Random Golf Conversations – Albert

Albert and playing partner contemplating going out for the first doubles match of the Winter

EXT.   COLD AUTUMN WEDNESDAY, MYNYDD BRAWDAFAD GOLF CLUB

2 forlorn figures standing on the 132 yard, par 3, 13th.

Albert, a youngster of 48 takes out a 5 iron and swings it ferociously throughout the conversation. There is no wind.
Barry, a 52 year old writer looks on amazed.

BARRY
You know this is only 132 yards?

ALBERT
I do.

BARRY
You know you hit that 5 iron 160 yards on the last hole?

ALBERT
I do.

BARRY
So. Why?

ALBERT
I don’t want to take any chances.

BARRY
Take any chances on what?

ALBERT
On getting it into the hole.

BARRY
But that’s the point, isn’t it?

ALBERT
I never aim at the hole on par 3s on Wednesdays

BARRY
Why?

ALBERT
In case I get a hole in 1

BARRY
?

ALBERT
I don’t want to buy a round

BARRY
It’s Wednesday afternoon. By the time we get into the club there’ll only by 3 people there, including us

ALBERT
I know but Jimmy Pies will be there

BARRY
So

ALBERT
I’m not buying him a drink

BARRY
So you’d rather take 3 more clubs than you need on a hole you’ve never managed to get within 5 feet of in your life because there’s a bloke who may be in the club when you get back you won’t buy a drink for?

ALBERT
Correct

Albert smiles as his tee shot lands 20 yards behind the pin.

*****

EXT.   COLD WINTER THURSDAY, CRIEFF GOLF CLUB.

It was Albert’s first year on the Scotland golf tour. Every 2 years the SMGS went to Scotland on the Wales v Scotland international weekend and played golf for a week, They played a number of golf clubs every day in and around Edinburgh and watched the match on Saturday. Albert was nervous. He’d been playing golf for a few years but had only encountered the electric, intense Saturday Morning Golf Society atmosphere on a few occasions and knew very few people in the group.

It was the first tee at a nameless, but tough and windy proper links course. There were 12 waiting around the first tee pretending to stretch and wake up and have their last cigarette (of the front nine).
Dev (has become the self appointed leader, and welcomer)

DEV
Albert. As a special honour you get to tee off first

Very muted applause, some abuse and a general murmur of ‘bandit’.

DEV
Here you are I’ll even put your tee in the ground for you and line you up. It’s tradition

Albert walks onto the tee and stares into the distance. He shakily places his ball on the tee and mutters to himself

ALBERT
Slow swing…slow swing

His bottom is going like a trout’s mouth as he lifts the club and hits it, not great but straight and quite long. He smiles at Dev.

Dev smiles back, turns Albert around 180 degrees

DEV
Well done. Now there’s the first fairway

He points down the fairway, in the opposite direction to Albert’s tee shot,

DEV
I suggest you wander back to your ball and see if you can hit a couple of 5 irons back in this direction

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